I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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