I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
