remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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