Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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