Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
