last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
