I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
