My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
