I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
