So how was he last night?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
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Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.