Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.