I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.