Im at strip club and am horny
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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