Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
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How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
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he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.