proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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