TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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