Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
