Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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