my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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