her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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