How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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