its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
