Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
