Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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