The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
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Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I could fuck to npr.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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