i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
