Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
