my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
