I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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