Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
