I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
COCAINE IS GR8
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
