Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
