Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
4 words: hood of his car
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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