Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
