I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
