omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You were trust falling into bushes
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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