I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
