my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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