It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
