I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
