nut hugger
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
