i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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