Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
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It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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