I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
