she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
