my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
