I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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