I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
