If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
