i was born a porn star she said
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I am available for nakedness
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