the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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