if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
