Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
