I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
