Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
