my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
