U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
