My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
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