The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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