Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
