i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
