Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
